Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Trinity is going places I just can't go yet and I am truly thankful that she's brave enough to go there. Even five years on, it's just too painful for me. Someday it won't be, and the fact that folks like Trinity speak up makes me feel so grateful.
My temp assignment at my Dream Job ended abruptly (albeit with cake, and a lovely card, and excellent references, and many kind words), which made me cry. I'm going on a job interview tomorrow, for more money than I've ever seen in my life - this does not fill me with joy, unfortunately. the gig sounds utterly soulless, and I have to put on my Grownup Professional Lady costume. and I'm afraid that for all my efforts they won't hire me anyway, 'cuz the baby and all.
I'm trying hard not to anthropomorphize the baby, because it's not a baby yet. but I just felt some weird thrashy-wiggly feelings yesterday morning for the first time. parasite, thy name is Wolfgang...
oh, and I got a haircut. (must be an epidemic...)
see, I had this snarl. I thought I wouldn't tell anyone about it, because it was really embarrassing. but now I feel like I have to explain the haircut.
this snarl - it took up my whole hair. it was so big, it had its own zip code. you could see it from space it was so big. I shoulda joined the circus with it and charged people money to see it. it was SO BIG.
It was that big because I was uninterested in doing my hair (or much of anything) for about three months while I was otherwise occupied with my head in the fucking toilet.
but then I woke up one morning, feeling a little better, and when I went to wash my (long-ass, extremely frizzy) hair, I discovered The Snarl That Ate My Soul.
the hair-salon lady told me to dump a bunch of baby oil on it, and sleep with my hair under a shower cap for a coupla days. so I did that. and I worked on Snarly McTangle for about four days, taking breaks when I just-couldn't-cope. and tonight I'd just had enough. So I went back to the hair-salon lady, and she examined and considered and washed and poked and finally said - "It's probably best if I cut it out. But it won't be so bad. Don't worry. It will be healthier and grow back real fast because you're pregnant."
so now my hair, which I used to be able to tuck into the waistband of my pants, is now hovering just above my shoulders. I am greatly relieved to be snarl-free, but full of anxiety. Will I look like Bozo the Pregnant Lady? will my husband hate it? will I look non-professional in the morning?
it will grow back it will grow back it will grow back it will grow back...
aw, rootie. my hair's like kudzu, honey. it laughs at machetes and poison.
the new cut seems to "test well", so to speak. at least, nobody's said they HATE it.
It's cute and modern. but I don't at all feel like I myself am cute and modern. I couldn't historically-dress myself authentically to save my life, now that I have no hair. as it stands, even a regular mobcap would look funny. Got nothing to fill it out.
sorry the good gig ended. :( hope today's interview went okay, and/or a better one comes up soon
it's been a coupla days, I feel a little less self-conscious, a little less uncomfortable.
but I really miss being part of the long-haired community.
self-loathing is a choking lie.
i don't want there to be fewer of us in utopia. i want there to be more of us. i want there to be freedom. i want everyone to experience her sexuality as a positive force. i want everyone to be herself, without shame. i don't think there'll be fewer of us. i think there will be more.
I'll never go short again.
Yours will grow quicker than mine, I'm sure, what with that Wolfgang you got in there!
Also, I hope you get the job! Money doesn't necessarily equate to soulless.
maybe I'm superstitious. sometimes I feel like god will punish me if I get too "attached" too early.
maybe I'm having a big ol' abortion rights crisis moment -- my baby is a baby because I want to have a family, someone else's baby is just a fetus because they don't want to?
I don't know. I do know it's way more fun to conceptualize it as a teeny little human hanging around in my uterus. but then (oh big surprise) I feel nervous and guilty about my positive feelings.
do we blow massive smoke up our own asses when we're pregnant, to try to mitigate the fact that motherhood is, in reality, a terrible experience?
or, like anything else, all things being equal, is motherhood what you make it, and a general sense of optimism is helpful to a positive experience?
jeez - I could wreck a wet dream...
haven't heard about the job yet. I will be equally pleased/disappointed regardless of the outcome.
I forget exactly how far along you are, but first-trimester aborted fetuses don't look like what your baby most likely looks like. I know what I had scooped out of me after each of my first-trimester miscarriages, and believe me, as tough as that was, it didn't look like my 24-week ultrasound.
is admitting ambivalence the same as saying I'm inconsistent and hypocritical and wishywashy?
I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting ambivalence. But after six months your baby can survive outside you. I see nothing wrong with calling it a baby while calling a 1-2 month fetus a fetus.
I think reasonable minds can disagree without either side necessarily being hypocritical or wishy washy or anything negative.
Here is why I think how far along one is make a significant difference (from babycenter.com):
Baby at 1-2 months:
The embryo becomes three layers around the 5th week. The outer layer consists of the brain, nerves, and skin. The middle layer becomes the bones, muscles, blood vessels, heart, and sex organs. The inner layer holds the stomach, liver, intestines, lungs, and urinary tract. The eyes and other features begin to form, as do tiny buds that will be the arms and legs. By the end of 6 weeks, your baby is about 1/2 inch long and weighs a fraction of an ounce.
Baby at 6 months:
Over a foot long, your baby weighs in at almost two pounds now. He is already practicing walking by pedaling his feet and kicking you, sometimes right in the cervix. Your baby has developed a strong grip and he can open and close his eyes in reaction to light. His vocal cords are fully functional, although he won’t be truly practicing until he sees his first glimpse of daylight. Hiccups are common for him as your little one practices swallowing, and you may feel these throughout the day. A baby born now can survive with intensive care.
oh, see I thought he was just kicking me for fun and games.