Thursday, August 02, 2007

Riddle me this, Batmom:

What's a doula? do I want one?

What's a "birthing ball"? How come nobody talks about Lamaze anymore? What's up with the "birthing tub"?


And more to the point:

How can I make sure, absolutely positively rocksolid sure, that our child will love us? or even like us? or just-barely-tolerate us?

Because there's no guarantee of that, even if we were the Most Perfect Parents Ever.

I'm sure my mother didn't mean to be neglectful and drunk most of the time. I'm sure my dad wasn't trying to be terrifying. God knows they did their best, right?

And for my husband's part, I'm sure his parents did not intend to be too wound up in their own complex and disturbing pathologies to pay any attention to him and his sister.

blah blah blah, road to hell, blah blah, good intentions, blah.

And, you know, if those good people, our parents, who were by all accounts Nice People and Hard Working Solid Citizens with Good Traditional Values - if they could let it all come undone, what are the odds that marginal, barely-functional freaky types like us can keep it together?

It took me my entire life to learn to love my mother. by the time I figured it out, she was gone. As for my dad, well - the jury's still out.

And every decision I make about the baby, every thought I think about it, every option I contemplate down to the color of baby blankets is haunted - haunted - by my stepmother's curse, spat out between clenched teeth and narrowed eyes, aimed at my heart:

"I hope you have children who are JUST LIKE YOU."

So I could know how much I made them suffer, so I could see how awful, how terrible, how disgusting I was in mirror image, so I could be sorry sorry sorry I ever behaved so badly. So I would understand, finally, and regret, and Straighten Up.

because nobody really wants children who are JUST LIKE ME. how could they?

Riddle me that, Batmom.

The great thing about kids just like you, is that they grow up to be adults just like you!
(feeble smile@snowdrop)
I don't know - it still feels like I'm perpetrating evil on an innocent world.

was there ever a time in history when childbirth was NOT a reason to go straightup crazy?
"A doula is a non-medical assistant who provides physical, emotional and informational support in prenatal care, during childbirth and during the postpartum period."


for the birth ball

with Lamaze I think it is because it is pre-parring for natural birth. and many people just get there spin shot up so there is no pain(I'm skeptical there though)

And a birthing tub is just what it is called.
also on a quick look on the interweb I found that they are rent able!!! WTF!!

I like riddles!
smarty boots-boots! :)
"I hope you have children who are JUST LIKE YOU."

Yes, you will. And you know what? You will finally learn what you were REALLY like. You weren't so bad. :)

My kid went stark-raving insane, just as I had done. Scary, but WTF did I expect, really? (She came out of it, but in the meantime, yow.)

But there are all these things about her that are good:

Her taste in music is impeccable!

She loves animals, and owns (literally) herds of them, now.

She lives in a very unconventional way, in a very unconventional place.

She loves people and animals and her own child, fiercely. She has a fit when her mother-in-law tries to give her child sugar-donuts!

I look at my life and see that beyond my "belief-system"--these are the things she took away from me. These are the things I REALLY communicated, regardless of what else I said or did.

Yes, I still wish she would do XYZ, get a degree and all of that Mickey Mouse stuff, but if she doesn't, I'm okay with that, too. (I never finished my degree either! Who am I kidding???)

I love ya, and did you ever see the movie METROPOLITAN?: "I have one word for you: stepmother." Oy, ain't it the truth? ;P
You, maybe you will have children just like you. I don't see that as a bad thing. I had kids just like me, and as aggravating as they can be, at least I know what they're thinking. Sometimes even before they know. So, children just like you...thinking, curious,intelligent,considerate? You could do much worse.

A doula is a helper during labor. Not a qualified midwife, more like a very skilled partner. Good for people who's partner is a goober or who has no partner to hold hands and wipe sweaty brows.

I have no idea what a birthing ball or tub are. I was in a bed, with a midwife on one side and husband on the other (not in the bed, standing on the floor next to the bed). Women have been having babies for AT LEAST 100 years, apparently successfully becuase we're still here.

The are no guarentees. Some people are so caught up in their own belly buttons and selfishness that they don't realize their acitons have consequences on others. You think too much to be like that. Some parents see their children as an extension of themselves rather than as the unique individuals they are. I believe that's when rage kicks in, because the kid is acting like an individual with a mind instead of like a programmed robot who does exactly as he's told.

If your child KNOWS you love her, that will make up for a multitude of parental errors.
Lamaze has been replaced with the likes of Bradley. All that "hee hee hoo" breathing just made women light headed.
AP: I betcha do great with the mom thing...
I want to know about your daughter's herds, Daisy.
y'all are great for the pep talks.

Maybe fear is part and parcel of the whole experience.
My mom gave me the same curse. Spat out with the same venom. I worried about it. I also worried about becoming a mother just like her.

I now have 4 kids. None of them is just like me. None of them is just like my husband. They are just like...them.

Parenthood is terrifying, from that first realization to...god only knows when. Let's just say my oldest is studying for his driver's test.

Ya do your best, and that's all you can do. Most people, no matter how screwed up their childhood, turn out to be decent people.

And my kids, at least, seem to know me well and forgive me my trespasses.

Good luck.
Nothing's fixed or fated, and your stepmom was an asshole: doesn't mean her curses need to have any more weight than you choose to give them. I think you'll be a great mom.
I agree with belledame!
u will be a great mom...look at it like this...
you and antiprince had...lets say questionable parenting. agreed?
well now you know what not to do.

also why couldn't antiprince find the right kind of pickles?

since mom was just about ur age when she had me...
she says salty things and lemon water helped her.
I am LOVING all your blog posts about your pregnancy experience.
ap, how many months are you right now? Because you sound like you're about to go into the whole nesting frenzy, which can last forever and make the savviest pregnant woman go batshit.

Sorry, but take it from somebody who's been there. You will survive. You will fuck up and you will love your kid and you will do your best. And you are not your parents.
"she says salty things and lemon water helped her."


Keep cold water one hand and put some lemon or (my favorite) lime juice in there! Seriously, the cold, slightly limed water RULES, plus it helps in getting in all that damned water they want you to drink.
Two cents from someone who has/had similar worries: you'll be a good-enough mom, just because you're already thinking about the issues you need to think about, and are self-aware. and good enough is all you need to be, your kids can take it from there! Don't try to be supermom, I think that's as big a mistake as being neglectful or psychotic.

As to the doula; If you're doing your delivery with a midwife, a good, independent midwife in a birthing center or at home, then you don't need a doula, imho. A doula would help you if you were in a hospital though. And if you don't have family and friends nearby that are going to have the time and willingness to give you TONS of help afterward, and if you can afford it, get a post-partum doula. a good one will freakin' do your laundry AND help you learn how to nurse the baby! You're going to be great.
I am LOVING all your blog posts about your pregnancy experience.

thanks, amber. I wanted to remain a nonmomblog, but that seems to not be in the cards.

for my part, I am most grateful for the supportive comments, without which I think I'd have jumped off a bridge by now.
I read that as "She says salty things---and lemon water helped her [to not say salty things]."
"thanks, amber. I wanted to remain a nonmomblog, "

You are blogging your experience. Right now impending motherhood is a big part of that. It's YOUR blog, dammit! Blog what you're thinking!

If you start getting over the top I'll tell you.
The birthing ball rocked. I could get damn near comfortable, or at least not gonna kill anybody, on the birthing ball. I wanted to stay on it.

And instead of the vicious "may your children be like you" what I get is my mom laughing her ass off whenever I complain about my kids being wild, or loquacious, or contrary as all hell, or hard headed or up all damn night. She laughs, and says "well, they are YOUR kids, after all, why are you surprised about THAT?"
I want to know about your daughter's herds, Daisy.

She has cows, goats, donkeys, dogs, cats. :)

I love your impending-mom posts, too!
First, I'm sorry about your little birdie.
Secondly, if a had a dollar for everytime my mom said during yet another teenaged argument "I hope someday you have a daughter just like YOU!" I'd ... have a lot of dollars!

You child will love you.
You will be excellent parents.
I have no doubt.

as I might have mentioned, y'all are terrific.

welcome to new commenters Christine, Ruth, and Maevele!
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