Wednesday, January 03, 2007


ok, look - nobody's dead or broken up or anything. things are progressing speedily towards healing and peace-of-mind, generally speaking, for some of the parties. nobody panic.

I wrote this when I felt very very blue and sad and guilty and like everyone's lives were over.

you know, clearly that ain't the case. shit's looking up, just a teensy little bit, but looking up nonetheless.

but I don't change history, so the post can't come down. or maybe it will later. just everyone relax.

don't flip out.

well, this is quite something. or maybe not anything.

the other day I wrote: "I am so happy."

and, jeez, it's not a week until I have to write "I am so sad."

and just paralyzed by the sad.

Something happened that I did not handle very well at all. In fact, the way I tried to handle it just made it worse. And in making it worse, I managed to alienate the people who are most important to me, who I really love. And because of that I can't seem to function.

Although at the time I was very angry, and just erupting with righteous indignation, now I'm full of regret.

how it all shook out was not fair, not by a long shot, not to anyone. but maybe it's not my turn for having a temper tantrum about that. Maybe later it will be my turn. But I will happily skip my turn, for ever. All I want is to figure out what to say or do that will help people heal.

And now I'm all obsessive about it and that's probably not healthy at all. so I'm a wreck.

I am holding out hope that someday I will stop being so wrapped up in my own head that I can't really empathize with others, and really be able to listen. I am holding out hope that those who have lost all respect for me might find a way to feel a little mercy and compassion for me - because, despite all I know about how wrong I am, I'm still only human, no more or less than anyone else. I'm holding out hope for reconciliation with everything I have.

But, you know, pending that mythical golden day, I think I'm not really going to post much for a while. I'll probably still comment all over the place, but, you know, what happened, and how I handled it - it doesn't really reflect who I am, or what I stand for, or what I talk about on my blog, or how I used to think I was a decent person. Now that I've wrecked myself it's really time to check myself. So, I'm just going to think real long and hard before I post again. Not that such action will help anything.

NO it's not blogosphere-related. NO I'm not going to reveal more details. I've been inappropriate enough for one lifetime.

But - if you've ever made what you realized to be a tremendous error in judgment, that you thought you could never ever come back from, with consequences you thought would be utterly fatal - or worse - and then you survived, and the sun still rose and set, and you managed to live through it, I'd love to hear from you.

You know, we everyone of us have our ham-handed ways. Most of us are aware of that, and can cut slack to someone who inadvertently steps on our feelings. I know how you feel- chewing yourself up inside because of something you said, but you know, I am willing to bet that the people you believe you've hurt, aren't as hurt as you think they could be. Have you apologized? Have you imagined what's the very worst thing they could do when you bring it up? (I always imagine them whipping out a .44 magnum and blowing my brains out, as the very worst) Since they are usually unlikely to do that, anything less is a relief of sort.

Whipping yourself isn't going to be too productive. First, forgive yourself, then seek their forgiveness, if you can. You may find that humanizing yourself in front of them will serve to elevate their esteem of you.

But whatever, self-flagellation really doesn't accomplish much.

Here's love and a cup of tea, from one large-mouthed bass to another.
well, all that deserves a hug. {{{{ap}}}}

wish i knew what happened to offer more consoling. but i respect your need to keep it to yourself. oh boy do i. i started another blog just so i could have therapy about my personal life coz R reads queer dewd.

and oh, rootie is so right on. and dang, R is going through the same thing, depressed and angry b/c of an awful incident today, where the guy in charge of job interview sabotaged the works. at first i thought r was being paranoid, but after he explained it, it was def. the guy purposefully doing something asinine. i assume b/c he wants a friend to have the job. also: dewd was a-hole anyway.

like you, he's depressed coz he felt he failed in something he takes pride in. the man is seriously careful about everythign he builds or repairs. i mean: anal retentive about it. he takes pride and he feels like such a failure to appear as if he doesn't coz of that jackass today.

i hurt for you ap coz i'm watching r go through something similar.

feel better. and do me a flavor. go over to elle abd's web site and read her story. and listen to the song.

Repeat yourself after me:

I'm still only human, no more or less than anyone else.

Big hug, and don't wreck yourself, because we love.

AP: people, via the very fact of being humans, do not so great shit on occasion. All of us. And we hurt and get hurt. Do what you need to do, take your time, but know that there are folks out there who do care about you and will like you no matter what.
You'll be okay. Really.
you know, I remembered something. Not all that long ago, my husband found some stuff out about me that I'd kept from him (for purely altruistic reasons, of course)and I wasn't so sure but what he'd throw me out. However, he didn't, we made up, and I promised him (and myself) not to do that anymore. It all turned out to be a big miscommunication on both our parts, but there for a few days it was quite touch and go. And here we are.
I do know that gut sinking O Shit fun at all.
And yeah, what B|L said. That deserves a nice big bear hug. And some cocoa...
AP, I've so been there, so so so been there. Was about to tell some whole long story about letting people down, but instead I will join the hugs/hot beverage offerers. Your blog is insightful and a pleasure to read; I hope you sort things out with as little gut-wrenchingness as possible.
well, I don't deserve any sympathy.

though I appreciate it.

some fences are being slowly mended. I only pray that reconciliation can continue for all involved.

I'm not really completely at the self-forgiveness stage just yet. that will come in time.

My thoughts are with you, AP. I hope you won't beat yourself up too much.
I am willing to bet that the people you believe you've hurt, aren't as hurt as you think they could be.

you have no idea.

it sucks to be waiting right now, but as someone who has repeatedly done the unprofessional and just plain stupid and lived to tell about it...

I have a strange feeling everything will be okay. take care...
who knows. maybe no matter how sorry I am, how angry I am, how anything I am - it just won't help.

but no wallowing. not healthy.
just...breeeeeathe. It's easy to forget to breathe when you're weighed down so heavily. more tea? c(_)~
I'm not the one who needs tea. not really.
I am at a loss for what to say. I don't know if there's anything I should say, not knowing anything at all about what's going on with you.

Only this: I suppose we are not obligated to forgive each other our errors in judgment. I know I have made them myself, and terrible ones, too, and felt that the forgiveness the people I had wronged returned me was a great and undeserved gift. And yet, and yet: This is what we do. This is what it means to be civilized. We understand that being a grownup means accepting that good intentions do not absolve us of responsibility; and then we understand, in turn, to accept the apologies of those who hurt us without intending to. I don't know what your crime was, but I hope that the fact that you have been so deeply wounded yourself by it means something to the person you say you have wronged, and that this will mark the start of healing for both of you.

And I am sending out great waves of love to you, though I fear you will protest that you don't deserve it. Because you have made more than a few of my days better and brighter for some time now; and because the entire point of love is to give each other more than we simply deserve. matter what has happened and I MEAN WHAT EVER! just remember that you can talk to us up in the boon-docks.

please e-mail will make me feel better, I fear the worst and I need to know what has shacked you so.

Love, Darlin'
This is Diane. Long ago my first husband died in a car crash and I saw no way in sight to be me or really vent. But I lived through the pain and hear I am today with a son and a family that mostly loves me. Please find a way to contact us so we know what is wrong.
Love Aunt Diane
Um, I don't want to speak for antiprincess here, but I know people asking about the problem isn't going to help, from my own experience.

To antip, you may not feel you deserve the hugs and the hot beverages, but they help. And don't worry about us, keep your health and find someone close to you that you trust, even yourself, that you know you can spill your heart to.
noones so wise they dont fuck up sometimes ap.

look after yourself.
don't know how big your fuckup was but lots of mine have been big and some people didn't forgive me but lots did and we're all still here.
if you were an unredeemed selfish waste of space you really wouldn't be thinking about the effect on other people and how you've hurt them and wanting to make things up; and you're big enough to spot the fuckup and apologise. what more can a human do?
I lose it from time to time and say what I'm thinking, then everyone gets their shit in a knot about it and I start feeling like an idiot. But inevitably, once the dust settles, it almost always is for the best. I've trashed a few assholes who I called 'friend' and now am so much better off without them. Sometimes it's good (for me) to let out that inner bitch to get life back on the right track.

Worst anxiety episode: I dated a previous student, he had just graduated, and I lived in terror of someone finding out for two years! Then I got pregnant, and everyone found out, and nobody cared! (And we lived happily ever after.)
The secret: humor. Honest to goddess, it makes a difference.

Just one example: Many years ago I threw myself off a bridge. Into a river in the winter. And floated. And there were ducks. Quacking in disgust at me. Quack.Quack. Quack. And I had to slog my way out of the river and trudge back home. Clothes dripping wet. Little ice chunks in my pockets. And I sat in my lousy apartment. Drip. Drip. And a friend happened by. And I told him what happened. And we laughed. Like fools.

Something about what you did has got to be just a wee bit funny. Find it and expand on it. It really does help.

We are supposed to fail some times. And fail spectacularly.
i can't count the number of times i've made a tremendous error in judgment. some of those errors i'll live with the for rest of my life. and i still obsess about some of them. and while the rising and setting sun may not feel as bright, my life goes on. and the true loves that i've found are still there. *hugz*
Ha! Be happy.
Huggies, AP.

I've been LLLLLLLLOW a handful of times in my life, scary low. It passed. You'll be OKAY. You will.
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