Thursday, July 06, 2006
So far I've managed not to die, in fact to thrive (and occasionally to blossom).
Every now and then I remember that it was the day before Independence Day, 2002, that I finally took steps to save myself - and it was a really radical step, to just jump on a plane with what amounted to some pocket change and a change of clothes, not knowing what was going to happen next, not knowing if my dad and stepmother would take me in for the time being, not knowing how I'd handle seeing my mother wasting away from the bone cancer that was eating her, not knowing if AbEx was going to try to come up and find me and make good on those macabre promises...the only thing I was absolutely dead solid certain of was that I had just made the best decision of my life.
My mother was still pretty with-it when I first went to visit her in the hospital, and after I heard all about her journey through cancer and got updates on all the family members with whom I'd lost touch over the years, I told her I was leaving the Abusive Ex. She was philosophical about it. She said "the next time you meet a man, make sure he's a man, and not just something walking around in a disguise."
A few weeks later she died. But boy, talk about words of wisdom!
It's kind of sad she never got to meet my husband, in all his hairy, hulking, warts-n-all undisguised glory. She would have dug him.
Anyway, good for me for leaving the ratbastard who beat me, 1,463 days ago. Go me!
Hopefully, the ratfink is looking up at your heel, while you laugh at him..right before you crush him.
Go, girl. Just plain go. And collect your $200 on the way out, too.
I regret leaving some of my things behind that I'll never get back. but hey, what price self-respect and unbroken bones?
I have been cogitating on it and I have to admit that there are things I miss that I'll never see or touch or experience again. I regret that.
1) my relationship with his daughter - I probably did her a favor though; at least she could spend her remaining adolescence in relative peace without having to watch her dad beat on me.
2) my sewing machine. he doesn't sew. he has no use for it. the lawyers gave it to him. motherfuckers.
3) my copy of The Spiral Dance, annotated and dogeared just the way I like it. The last time I saw it it was in a box in the closet along with a whole bunch of random stuff I accumulated during the 80s and 90s.
4) I had some jewelry that was very happenin' 4 years ago, and a hat I liked.
eh. whatcha gonna do.