Saturday, June 17, 2006
I lost mine years and years ago, but I seem to recall there's a passage in there using the phrase "equal people of equal worth".
I should pay more attention to the people I lend my books to.
The BJ wars have recalled for me the BDSM wars which has me obsessing about what I think I remember from that book.
pg 10 in
"Channels of Cum-munication, or emotional safety: a view from the top" by Karen Johanns
the subsection titled "Closure"
OK, you've had your fun, the fantasy is finished, the roles of dominant and submissive have given way to two women of equal worth and stature. Now what? How do you find the fine line between awkward silence and beating the encounter to death with too much process?
I've always found it pleasant and helpful to immediately tell my partner how much I've enjoyed the encounter between us, and if that is not entirely true, to emphasize the aspects of the scene which pleased me most. As sexual outlaws, it's important that we build each other up and give each other as much positive feedback on our sexual behavior as possible, considering that we cannot count on society in general or even our vanilla sisters to do that for us. I also ask her if there were any aspects of our play which particularly thrilled, repelled, or frightened her. This way, I can get some sense of what this woman is or is not into "for real." But bottoms beware: too much criticism, or feedback phrased with too much negative language, can erode the confidence of any dominant who has had to work very hard to please you and to feel good about what she's been doing in the face of social stigma.
Try to not process the scene to pieces: it's important, and even fun, to talk with each other after the scene is done, but the major aspect of the scene is about feelings: physical, emotional and sexual. To subject what is intensely personal to too much dialectic reduces S/M play to something akin to discussing the latest movie you've seen.
It's painful to be rejected, so if either of you has decided that you would rather not play again, don't say you'll call if you don't intend to, and don't announce right then that you think that the two of you are incompatible. If one party approaches the other for a repeat performance, at least a rejection is not being done while the two of you are lighting up your post-play cigs or having an after-scene snack.
And there, that's the section on "Closure" in that particular article.
I mean, I was wrong about the tea, obviously.
That book has never steered me wrong. (That one and Coming to Power were big influences.)
Midori's book "Wild Side Sex" is particularly great in this regard, I think (the whole emotional side, I mean): three chapters on "trust, vulnerability, and SM/Ds. Then the chapter on aftercare. Also a chapter on "wrong reasons to do SM," which should be required reading for anyone who's toying with the idea but hasn't quite made the plunge, as well as people who've been in SM relationships/experiences and found them disappointing or even degrading or dangerous.
I attended one of her workshops on humiliation which totally changed (for the better) the way I saw the subject.
Sometimes I think some people get their assless chaps in a knot whenever someone suggests god forbid we might talk about feelings, as opposed to just "look! eighteen different new ways of tying a knot!"
belledame, people get their assless chaps in a knot whenever someone suggests god forbid we might talk about feelings, as opposed to just "look! eighteen different new ways of tying a knot!" Yeah, it was pretty much those kind of people. :)
Evil Ex and I were attending TES30 - the thirtieth anniversary event of The Eulenspiegel Society (a well-known BDSM organization based in New York, I believe.) She was giving a talk about humiliation play, where she discussed the fine line between a good scene and abuse. Her point was to know your partner's boundaries, and what will induce a dirty little thrill vs. what will cause serious damage. She discussed that no two people's boundaries are exactly alike, and what might be harmless fun (and not even register) for some could be psychologically deadly for others.
Unfortunately, I did not take good notes and don't remember much more, and probing my memory for anything involving Mr. Evilex makes me a little uncomfortable.
but as I recall, she was wearing a buck-rodgers-y green latex (?) dress. and looking insane fabulous.
I like what you had to say about the workshop though, especially because it emphasizes one of the things about BDSM that most people who aren't into it (and, unfortunately, some who are) seem to ignore: part of the experience is that it is a challenge to understand your partner.
I remember Midori related a short story about a woman who loved to be called every dirty filthy vile misogynist word one could possibly come up with while engaged in sexual activity - but drew the line at being called "stupid".
that made so much sense to me.